


you were a good feeling

by M00nandback



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Ballroom, Episode: s03e08 Are You Leading or Am I?, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Lots of Crying, Panic Attack, Season 3 Spoilers, Villaneve, also s3ep8 trailer spoilers, and Villaneve, because i love crying, only happy endings for me thank you, s3ep7 and previous spoilers, tagging is hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24479290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M00nandback/pseuds/M00nandback
Summary: "What had happened to Villanelle after they’d last met? This one Eve had trouble with. Her mind just kept returning to the time when Villanelle had showed up at her house, “just to have dinner” with her.I don't want to do this anymore, Villanelle had said. Eve had wanted to believe her. She still wanted to.And maybe Villanelle was now closer to actually meaning her words.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 2
Kudos: 75





	you were a good feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this is Villaneve in/after the ballroom scene in 3x08. Villanelle remembers her mum again and then other things happen. And we see through Eve’s eyes here.  
> WARNING This fic includes not only mentions but also an actual panic attack, so please do not read if that might trigger you <3  
> I have not seen the ep, and I bet this isn’t what’s going to happen but I guess there could be some spoilers?  
> Also, I keep switching Villanelle/Oksana in this fic so if that isn't for you, goodbye!
> 
> All feedback is very welcome, I really want to improve my writing! Enjoy! x

The song faded away and Eve had to step away from their electrifying hug. She laughed at Villanelle’s puppy eyes that were then replaced by a victorious smile on her lips. Eve rolled her eyes and was about to leave the dancefloor just to make that ridiculous smile disappear when Villanelle grabbed her hand.

"No Eve, I promise the next song is fun and you don't have to stand so close to me!" That made Eve turn back, just so she could see her face. Villanelle looked innocent, of course, but the image broke when she leaned closer to Eve and whispered: "And after that I promise there's something romantic because that's what you really want even though you won't admit it". Eve sighed, seeing that the smile was there again, yet another point for Villanelle.

_Well I don't care about that any more. I'm so tired of this game,_ Eve found herself thinking. 

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The music started playing and Eve waited for Villanelle to lead this time, since she had asked her but Villanelle was suddenly far away. Not physically, but her eyes started travelling around the room and her calm excitement was gone. She looked anxious.  
"Villanelle?" Eve asked. 

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“Hmh” Villanelle turned around and then right back. She was breathing heavily. “I just remembered something I have to do, don’t leave.” she looked past Eve. 

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“What?” said Eve, but Villanelle was already walking away, clenching her fists. 

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_What’s going on with her? This isn’t normal for her… and she really doesn’t know me if she thinks I’ll just wait here._ Eve had already picked up her jacket and bag and was following her out of the room, and out of the building to a quiet London street. She knew that I she called her now, Villanelle would most likely get away. But she’d get away anyway so shouting was worth a try. 

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“Villanelle!”

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Villanelle turned around. She was only ten meters away but Eve could see her face and _she’s crying. Why is she crying, what triggered her? Could she be faking this? Of course, but she knows I know when she’s faking, so why would she keep doing it? It must be true._ Eve almost believed herself.

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“I told you not to leave, Eve! That means you wait for me inside!” Villanelle was barely shouting but she had stopped walking and seemed more anxious every second. 

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_Is she having a panic attack?_

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Eve took a step forward. “Villanelle -”

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Villanelle sat down by the wall. Buried her face in her hands. Eve was next to her in seconds. “Can you hear me? Villanelle?” Eve kneeled down next to her. Villanelle didn’t react. Her shoulders were shaking. Eve couldn’t believe what was happening even though she’d known there was more to her. That there was something real inside Villanelle. Oksana, maybe. 

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And now Eve saw it. She finally had something on her. Against her. 

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“Go inside, Eve” Villanelle’s sobs were muffled by her hands. 

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“Absolutely not, I’m not leaving you” _Ever again_ \- she almost added.

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_What happened to you, baby?_

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Of course Eve could never use this against Oksana. But she was shocked how much it hurt her, seeing Oksana like this. Tears swelled in her eyes.

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“Listen Oksana, just focus on my voice, okay? You need to take deep breaths.” Eve’s voice was soft but loud enough so Oksana could focus. “You can take my hand if you want, it’s right here. I’m going to count for you, Oksana. I’ll count to six, five and eight. Inhale when I count to six, then hold your breath for five. And then a long exhale, eight seconds, okay? It’s going to help, I promise.”

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Oksana didn't react but when Eve started counting she did what she’d been told.

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"...now exhale, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. And inhale, two, three, four, five, six…"  
_She looks so small._

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"...seven, eight, inhale, two three four, five, six…"  
_Has she had panic attacks before?_

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"... keep breathing, it's going to be okay. And exhale, two three, four, five…"  
Oksana had stopped sobbing but her breathing was still fast.  


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_What has happened?_

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It took a few minutes for Villanelle to calm down. The second her breathing was rather normal she wiped her face and looked at Eve.

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“It really distracted me when you started talking in the middle of counting, Eve.”

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_Well that’s a sign she’s feeling better._ "Sorry, I wasn't exactly calm either." 

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“So you were speaking to yourself?.”

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Eve rolled her eyes, but a smile was tugging her lips. “No, it’s just -” _that I felt scared because you were scared. Because I wasn’t sure what was happening to you and I was afraid I couldn't help. I was afraid you’d run away._ She shrugged. 

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“What?”

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“You know what, this street isn’t very nice and you’re still very tense. I think it would be nicer inside. It’s just a couple stops by bus”. Eve stood up without waiting for an answer. She wasn’t going to answer Villanelle’s question. 

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Villanelle lifted her eyebrows but didn’t resist the offer. Instead of getting up, however, she held out her hand to Eve. 

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“Oh come on!” Eve smiled. She looked at Villanelle, who was puppy-eyeing her once again, only this time with eyes that were still red and watery from crying. 

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Eve took her hand and dragged her up. _I’m not blushing. She can’t see it anyways. But I’m not. Why would I be blushing?_

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Then Eve took them to the bus stop, keeping her gaze on the traffic the whole time and trying to walk faster than Villanelle. But she didn’t let go of her hand. _I’m just dragging her to the stop to make sure she’s coming along._ Eve again, almost believed herself.

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Villanelle didn’t say a word - not on their way to the stop and not when they stood next to each other waiting for the bus. She seemed lost in her thoughts, and Eve was glad she had agreed to come with her. 

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The five minutes on the bus stop felt much longer for Eve. When She’s processed the fact that Villanelle wasn’t likely to say anything to her right now, she tried thinking through what had just happened. 

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Why had Villanelle done that and was it intended or not? Eve had already decided that it wasn’t but her logical side was still against it. 

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What caused the panic attack? Was it something Eve said or did? All Eve could think about was the music. 

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And again, what had happened to Villanelle after they’d last met? This one Eve had trouble with. Her mind just kept returning to the time when Villanelle had showed up at her house, “just to have dinner” with her. _I don't want to do this anymore_ , Villanelle had said. Eve had wanted to believe her. She still wanted to. And maybe Villanelle was now closer to actually meaning her words. 

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_“I love you. “ - “No. You don’t understand what that is.”_

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Villanelle flinched beside Eve. She had stepped closer to her and Eve hadn’t even noticed. Her scent was surrounding Eve once again.

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“That’s ours.”

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Eve turned and saw the red double-decker bus. She nodded. 

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“I really like buses nowadays.”

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_Shit. We should’ve just walked._

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Sitting in the bus glued to Eve’s side, Villanelle seemed a bit more stable. Eve on the other hand was so tense she could feel every bump and swing the bus made, and every inch of Villanelle that was somehow touching her. 

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Suddenly Villanelle chuckled. Eve turned to her, visibly surprised. 

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Villanelle was looking at her, smiling madly. 

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“You’re taking me to your place, Eve” she whispered, like sharing some secret. 

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_Oh my God._ “Oh stop it”. Eve looked away from Villanelle to hide her smile. 

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“No, I’m so honoured” she giggled.

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\- - 

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“Eve I hate your apartment.” was Oksana’s first comment since they’d got off the bus. They were standing at Eve’s door and Eve was trying to fit her key to the lock.

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“Oh yeah?” Eve chuckled. “Me too.”

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Oksana kept glancing over Eve's shoulder which made opening the door even harder for her. Eve didn't say anything though. She just kept poking the lock with the key, mind definitely not focused on the heavy scent that was surrounding her once again. 

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“Let meee heeelp!”, Oksana sang from behind her. Eve, who had already had a hard time not laughing because of that stupid lock burst into laughter. She let Oksana take the key from her and have a try. The lock clicked open almost immediately. 

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"Did you even try?" Oksana chuckled. 

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Eve waved her hands. _"Of course I did"_ , her face said. "I'm going to move anyways." she turned the conversation back to her flat. 

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"Why, where?"

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_Because you know where I live_ , she would've answered. “Why not? You said it yourself - this is terrible”, she said instead, and walked in.

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Oksana shrugged and followed Eve inside, then stepped past her and turned around the room. Settling on the edge of Eve’s bed - there wasn’t much else to sit on - she peeled off her sparkling jacket and pants. 

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Eve had stopped to stare at her, still standing in the doorway. Half of her mind was thinking of how little Oksana was suddenly wearing. The other half was trying to adjust to Oksana's rapid change of mood. 

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_Is she just showing off to hide what she's feeling or did she already forget she was crying on a street like 15 minutes ago?_

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“What? Those started to feel uncomfortable.” Oksana crossed her legs and glanced around the room again. 

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Not really thinking, Eve dropped her bag and jacket, closed the door and went to Oksana. She sat down next to her and just asked: "Villanelle, tell me. It's going to help." 

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Oksana didn't. She pressed her lips together and a single tear rolled down her cheek, escaping the sea of her eyes. Eve reached out to wipe the drop, to comfort like she would any person hurting. But Oksana lifted her trembling hand, freezing Eve completely. "I -" 

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"No more inappropriate touching" she said, sounding exhausted. Eve was taken aback by that. _Inappropriate touching? I’ve never - oh the bus? She surely wouldn't think -_ Eve burrowed her eyebrows, showing her confusion for once. This wasn't about her either, she decided then. It was about the thing Oksana refused to tell her. Eve would have to be careful with her. 

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Oksana was now clenching her hands to fists and looking at them. When she looked up and saw Eve watching her, she stopped. 

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"Listen Oksana. There are no cameras here. I will tell no-one, but you already know that. Tell me what's wrong. And yes, there is something very wrong and you need to stop hiding it and let me help. We can fix it whatever it is."

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"Funny, by boss just told me something similar. She didn't talk about fixing it, though. That's because she knows she won't fix it EVEN if it could be. It can't."

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Oksana was looking at everything but Eve.

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"You want to know what I told her? I told her I did a really bad thing to my mom. I put a huge shit in her shoe when I was three!" She made a face for the funny story. "My boss was impressed" she rolled her eyes, still avoiding Eve. 

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"And your boss also comforted you after you told this terrible story" concluded Eve, stating and asking at the same time. 

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"Before" Oksana agreed. "I did not want her to... but it felt nice"

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"Can I take your hand?" Eve said after a pause. She held her hand out, palm upwards and Oksana scolded at it. Seconds passed before she nodded, still keeping her gaze on the hand. Eve reached out and took Oksana's hand gently from her lap. 

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If Eve were to get the truth out of her, she'd have to offer her own truth in return, no matter how deep she had buried that. 

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"I won't let anything happen to you, Oksana. Just tell me, I promise it'll make you feel better."

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"Now you sound like Anna"

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"Is that good? Would you tell Anna?"

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"No, for two reasons."

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"You killed Anna, and?"

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"NO, because Anna betrayed me! And because -"

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"because I killed Anna.” Oksana’s voice was hopeless.

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"I killed Anna.”

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"Did the Twelve want me to kill Anna?" she turned back to Eve, meeting her eyes. 

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"I don't know. Did the Twelve want you to kill me?" 

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Oksana frowned. They stared at each other for a while like that. Oksana unsure - Eve trying to read every emotion flickering on her face.

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Until Eve blinked. A tear rolled down her cheek. "Please, Oksana”.

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“NO EVE you're not fooling me like that!” Oksana stood up, startling Eve.

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"Everyone I've known has betrayed me. EVERYONE. I will NOT TELL ANYONE ANYTHINg ANYMORE!” Her voice broke halfway through. Eve couldn’t move. Tears were now running freely on her cheeks and she couldn’t look away from Oksana. 

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_I haven’t really known her before, have I?_

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"Oh there's Irina! She hasn't betrayed me yet! Sorry Eve, I have to go tell her and then probably kill her so she won't betray me!" That woke Eve up from her trance.

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"NO, wait Oksana! SIT BACK DOWN YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.” Eve’s own eyes widened with surprise. “Sorry, sorry!” She was now standing up, too.

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“Listen. I understand you feel like I betrayed you in Rome. But think, Oksana, how I'm feeling after you've already betrayed me twice.” Eve tried to catch her eye but Oksana wouldn’t look at her.

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“The murder and the shooting. Two things Oksana. Two bad things. But see, I'm still here. And not am I just here, I'm here trying to win your trust. _Despite_ the whole world calling me an idiot for ever trusting you!” 

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Oksana sniffed, still looking at the floor.

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“So, please. Trust me, tell me. I'm here for you. And -"  
"And?" Oksana’s voice was unsure.

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"I did wish you were there. That night when I walked to my apartment and smelled your perfume and -"

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Oksana was kissing her. She was cupping Eve’s cheeks and leaning into her with such power Eve had to step back to keep her balance. That didn’t keep her from kissing Oksana back, of course. 

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Oksana leaned back and looked at Eve who was as breathless as she. Then, like remembering something she removed her hands from Eve’s cheeks and stepped back.

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"Sorry, that was a little inappropriate”, she almost smiled.

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"I might've had it coming”, said Eve who really felt like smiling too but then she saw Oksana’s eyes that were once again filling up with tears. She took her hand and lead her back to the bed where Oksana settled in her embrace immediately.

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\- - 

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Oksana cried and cried and Eve kept running her hand through her hair the whole time. 

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When she was finally calmer she said it to Eve’s chest - “I killed my mother.”

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_She still had family left?_ Eve had a thousand questions. But they'd have to wait.

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“I killed my mother and I don't want to do this anymore. “

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_Oh._

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“I don't want to kill anymore.” The words were just a whisper.

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“And I didn't want to kill you Eve, I never wanted to kill you. When I saw your picture as my next assignment I thought I couldn't take it." 

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"That was the first time I wanted to have a choice. I didn't have to then, I know. But then Rome happened and I -” 

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“Eve I can't help it. I was taught that way. The Twelve - they said to me "No feelings". It was like a game. I'd play with feelings but I wasn't allowed to have them. Well, at least not the bad feelings. They said if you have a bad feeling, kill it. No matter how, they said. So I said can I have clothes? Can I have sex? Can I have fun? They said yes. 

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I learned their game easily because I knew how mom had done it. I knew because I was the bad thing she needed to kill.”

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_So much pain. How did I never see it?_

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“Eve you were a good feeling. But you were a bad feeling, too, at least for the Twelve. But in Rome I had to decide, so I did. I stopped caring about the game. I didn't want to kill the good feeling because I knew there wouldn't be anything to replace it with. I let go of the game, I was sure I could. But then you said no and I didn't understand so I was back in the game again. I got a bad feeling, I got back into the game. 

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And this time you were the bad feeling. It felt so different to play but I didn't know how to cheat. So I shot. I shot you.”

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Eve was crying. Of course she’d been mad and so scared when Oksana had shot her. But she had been past that already, heck , she had _kissed_ her. Maybe Eve's own explanation had been different but she had somehow known Oksana regretted shooting her. And that had been enough. 

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“Eve, say something.” Oksana said desperately. 

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Eve had no words, first. So she brought Oksana’s mouth to hers, gently. The kiss was as desperate as their feelings, wet with both of their tears. 

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“It’s okay. ” was all Eve managed to speak. “You are a good feeling to me.”

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